Musings

As I sit writing at 4:25 a.m., I realize that although I have a lot to say, I'm not quite sure how to begin. Although I could begin at the beginning, that doesn't actually seem like a very good place to start (to borrow from Rodgers and Hammerstein). Perhaps I should begin by saying that I'm a mom. I have two wonderful children (of course I would say their wonderful, they're mine), two dogs, a husband from whom I am separated (but we're working on reconciliation), and I am unsure of the direction of my life at the moment.

Spirituality is extremely important to me. I believe that there is a definite difference between spirituality and religion or being religious. Spirituality is my personal relationship with God, my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Being religious involves my activity in religious practices. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (a Mormon). Although I would probably be considered religious by most people, it is far more important to me that I keep my spirituality alive through my own prayer, meditation, and reading of scripture. I believe that the scriptures are life's handbook. Because I believe that God does love us as His children, I do believe that he has given us instructions, hints, and important messages about that love and what will bring us joy on this earthly journey. Sometimes I struggle with God's timeline not being to my satisfaction or feeling somewhat distant from Him, but I know that in those times it's because I have distanced myself. My Savior is perfect and therefore I can trust his love and his care of me perfectly. As I have gone through separation from my husband and struggled with the possibility of divorce and being a single mother, knowing and feeling the Savior's love and comfort has been the most important thing in my world.

Now having said all that, I'm still not sure right now in what direction I should be going. I feel adrift as to whether I should be seeking full-time employment, finishing college, or doing something that I haven't considered previously. I guess that's why I'm blogging. My mother and friends tell me that I should be a writer. I don't know about that yet. I know that I have ideas and thoughts inside my head and heart that I want to share, but am afraid to move forward. The Spirit continues to whisper that I should listen to my mother. I continue to tell myself, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (1 Timothy 3:7) Perhaps I should not only listen to my own Mama, but also to my own good advice.

There are many things in my life that are incredible blessings for which I am grateful. My teenage daughter is one of my best friends. That isn't to say that I'm not periodically the "meanest mother in the world." But for the most part we do have a very good, open, and enjoyable relationship. I like being around her and I get the impression that she also enjoys my company (it seems a rarity with 17-year olds and their moms). I wish she knew how incredibly beautiful she is - both inside and out. She's amazingly talented and intelligent and I can't believe most of the time that she's my daughter. My son is 10 years old. He has an amazing imagination and sense of humor. Sometimes I don't get his sense of humor, but I'm told that because I'm not a 10 year old boy. He's rather addicted to what in our home we refer to as "screens." If it has a screen (computer, Nintendo, Wii, TV), he wants to be playing, watching or engrossed. We have a point system in which he has to earn points and spend them for so much screen time. It's the only way that we've been able to gain some modicum of control over this addiction. And it is an addiction. I know about addiction. I understand obsessive compulsive behavior. I have my own addictions, but that's another post. At least for now, while he's still young, I try to exercise some influence and control over his behavior. I try to bring out his imagination and his incredible intellect. But sometimes, I too, would prefer to be numbed by screens.

As stated, my husband and I are separated. There is addiction and co-dependency in that relationship as well. But again, something for other posts. My husband really can be a wonderful guy. He fits into what are lyrics from the musical "Into the Woods." He's not good, he's not bad, he's just nice. And although nice can be good to live with, I'd rather have him be honest about what he's doing (good and bad) and how he feels. But I guess that's what most women want, a man who is in touch with his feelings and can express them in some meaningful way. Most of all, I want a husband I can trust. That is the big issue between us. That trust has been broken and I'm not sure if I will ever feel that for him again. And if I can't feel trust for my husband, is that really a marriage?

I am a performer. Whenever possible I perform on stage at local theaters. There are only two things that I've ever wanted to be in this life - a mother and a performer. I don't think I realized how difficult it would be to try to do both. For me, being on stage in a play or musical is like breathing. Periodically I have to be in a show so that I can "come up for air" or I feel like I will drown. There is a line in the movie "Chariots of Fire" when he says, "God made me fast and when I run I feel His joy." That is how I feel about acting and singing. God gave me a gift to be a good actor and singer. And when I am on stage and performing to the best of my ability, I feel His joy.

I am also a teacher. I teach voice lessons. Most of my students are in high school, but I do have a few adult students as well. Although I never intended to be a teacher I have found that I love it. I love my students and enjoy watching them grow and learn. They literally blossom right before my eyes. It's a glorious experience.

Well, enough for now. It's late or very early, depending upon how you view things. Perhaps my therapist will also think this is a good idea. At least at the moment it seems the right thing to do. Time will tell.